Open letters to Jonathan Schwartz and the coffee cart man outside my office:
First, Schwartz. I assume that you are hopelessly addicted to painkillers — there is no other explanation for your doddery, delayed-action on-air delivery — but look again at the calendar hanging above your morphine drip. It is the 25th of motherfucking OCTOBER. I want to hear Tony Bennett singing “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” about as much as I want to hear the words “Oh, look at that, you’re actually carrying conjoined twins!” or “Welcome to the program, Preisdent McCain.”
And now, coffee guy: your radio*, normally responsible for the inoffensive, upbeat hits of the 60s, 70s and 80s, was playing Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band’s “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” on the morning of October 22. If this happens again, I will have no choice but to tip your cart into the street, in the style of Eagles fans at the Eagles v. Detroit 1996 NFC Wildcard Game.**
*Yes I know the coffee man does not program the radio’s playlists, but the only appropriate response to Christmas music coming from your radio in October is to shut the goddamn thing off, not blithely continue to sell fluffy, nutrient-free Crisco bomb pastries.
**Thanks to RT for the tip.
