January 2011
2 posts
Beef patty breath
An upsetting turn of events, to be sure: you buy a fixer-upper, live there and do your art and make a little money and just try to keep on keepin’ on, only you fall behind with the taxes and the water bill and what have you.
The accounts go to a collection agency, then some fraudulent business organization, “oddly” named Beef Patty Breath, comes along and pays off all your...
June 2010
1 post
May 2010
2 posts
April 2010
1 post
Diaper Fish
Ingredients:
1.5-pound cod fillet from the greenmarket fish guy who, according to the nutty unemployed moms on the neighborhood listserv, yelled at someone’s kid for erasing some of the things written on the dry-erase board he hangs in his tent to let people know what he’s got today;
-handful of all-purpose flour
-Salt and freshly ground black pepper
-Splash of olive oil
-Too...
December 2009
2 posts
“He said the most important thing he learned tutoring illiterate adults after...”
– Styles section thing about how charter schools are so hot right now with Moby and Charlie Rose or some shit
September 2009
1 post
is fear of appearing narcissistic itself a form of...
One of the wonderful, terrible things about the internet is the way in which it allows us to peer into the minds of other people with unfettered internet access (which should not of course be mistaken for the general population). One need only start a Google search with the word “is” and a few other letters (and then wait for suggested previous popular searches to present themselves)...
August 2009
6 posts
surgery + internet + time = comedy?
Trolling web in search of people referencing their experience being “back at the bottom.” Shufflin Dance has given up an ostensible career-track job to step back in time seven years and be an assistant. Came across this quip, which I don’t truly understand because of the technical jargon, but enjoyed nonetheless.
“In the days of open cholecystectomies we used to guess the...
products
BRAVO ANNOUNCES THE MAKERS OF THE GLAD FAMILY OF PRODUCTS, MACY’S AND TOYOTA AS FULLY INTEGRATED SPONSORS FOR “TOP CHEF: LAS VEGAS”
Additional Sponsors Include Alexia Crunchy Snacks, Diet Coke, MasterCard And Swanson
Here’s two episodes:
-Department Store Elf Lunch Buffet for Harried, Unwell Employees on a “Special Diet”
-Cheftestants drive in groups of...
July 2009
4 posts
buy this book or the author will give you one →
gathering shit
trying to organize baby shit for a week’s vacation. felt all week that we have already missed the 1:45 pm ferry from jerz to delaware. even in this supposed low season, there are too many people in new york, or maybe specifically too many people on the 7 train and in grand central station. we need to leave here for a week or longer.
-a can of formula, two jars of baby food, a...
March 2009
2 posts
Yes they are
These are the searches that Google recommended when I typed “are people” in the search box.
Are people born evil?
Are people naturally good or evil?
Are people getting taller?
Are people getting dumber?
Are people born good or evil?
Are people good or evil?
Are people evil?
Are people from spain hispanic?
Are people naturally good or naturally evil?
Are people happy?
February 2009
4 posts
“Is in attendance such a item as a home made enema?”
– From a natural health discussion site. Can I give my infant probiotics so he doesn’t scream both our faces off anymore today? In researching this important question I also came across a video that someone made about their son’s hemophilia set to a soundtrack of soaring Celine Dion-esque...
“Leave me alone
Don’t bother me
Get away from me
Don’t follow me”
– Hand-lettered cardboard sign carried by man riding E train. Did he write it himself, or is that the work of a prescient, clear-thinking Bellevue/social services intern who contracted scabies for her trouble?
from the pass-agg neighborhood listserv; or, from...
It’s Spring!
And we’re looking
to update our
Substitute Teacher List
If you love children
Are able to be fingerprinted
Energy and Kindness
Is what we are seeking
For the [redacted]
Child Care Center
January 2009
1 post
December 2008
3 posts
Am I still allowed to be ambivalent re Paula Deen? →
November 2008
6 posts
A new list
Shit that I hope will go away when we are all selling rags, blood and crumpled aluminum foil in the street in six months, etc, item 1:
The word “upgrade” rendered in gold, lodged in sasha fierce’s piehole and meant to sell me some trashy fucking television service.
“Imagine a mise for making green bean casserole, then take those ingredients and...”
– The Gurgling Cod
“Eventually the surgeons she visited refused to carry out any more work on her...”
– “Cosmetic surgery addict injected cooking oil into her own face,” from the Telegraph (UK).
There but for the grace of god go YOU, Lisa Rinna, Mickey Rourke, Gary Busey, and especially you, Garry Shandling, because I feel like you should have known better.
October 2008
4 posts
Open letters to Jonathan Schwartz and the coffee...
First, Schwartz. I assume that you are hopelessly addicted to painkillers — there is no other explanation for your doddery, delayed-action on-air delivery — but look again at the calendar hanging above your morphine drip. It is the 25th of motherfucking OCTOBER. I want to hear Tony Bennett singing “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” about as much as I want to hear the words...
Everyone's a traffic whore; everything could be an...
I never thought I’d see the likes of this headline in the New York Motherfucking Times. Not that I don’t thoroughly enjoy a bit of the old “odd news,” but that’s what the Post is for.
September 2008
16 posts
“[redacted] saw a transvestite on the bus eat a whole bag of prunes”
– My favorite Facebook status update today
Oh the places you'll go / when your office spam...
There’s something unintentionally poetic about this email, which landed in my co-worker’s inbox this afternoon:
Fwd: Amateurs switching thier wives uninfiniteness
Begin forwarded message:
From: XXX endurable!
[non-functioning, possibly viral URL deleted]
sadists junketeers, sedimented enteron.
avarices, dishearteningly misintention unyielded.
honorees dorsiflexor...
Marry me, Ginia Bellafante
“Rachel Zoe, a blonde with a relaxed perm and roots that are visible on purpose, is a fashion stylist … Although she has put grown women with viable acting careers into gowns — Debra Messing, Cameron Diaz — she is known more generally for forging a look of girlish vacancy, one that says: “I get up at noon. And then I spend my day refusing solid foods.” … Given that Ms. Zoe...
Just when you feel you are alone, along come these... →
One of the best things about foreign travel. →
